As I prepare to attend CES today, an event that always makes me think of and really miss my brother, I decided to publish a letter that I wrote to my him during his last birthday on December 13, 2021 on my blog. On the years I attended CES, I would meet my brother for a few minutes between his crazy meeting schedule, or if I was lucky, sit down for a meal with him. We would text throughout the day as he would suggest booths and exhibits to check out and I’d send him pictures of what I was seeing on the floor. I still regularly talk to my brother (one sided conversations of course) and on rare occasion write to him, but I think this may be the first time I share one of my direct writings to my brother on my blog.
Dear Kid,
2021’s grief was different than the past several years.
It was the first year since your death that I did not wake up on my birthday crying. In fact, I went through a majority of the day without breaking down or feeling devastated because of the reminder that the last time we talked when you were alive was on my birthday. Sure, I shed a few tears, but I unexpectedly held it together and enjoyed my low key celebration because the people surrounding me filled me with pure love.
When your death anniversary came a week later, once again, I didn’t wake up bawling. It wasn’t until late in the afternoon that the grief came gushing out in a slobbering uncontrollable wet mess. Interestingly, it wasn’t the same feeling of devastation, anger and deep sorrow of missing you. Sure I still felt all those emotions, but it was surprisingly a feeling of guilt that triggered the unrelenting tears because this was the first year that I did not wish that it was me, instead of you, who died on November 13th, 2015. This year, I didn’t think as I usually do, “Why couldn’t it have been me instead? He had so much more to offer this world. In his short life, he made significant impacts on people’s lives. He accomplished a lot professionally and personally. I don’t have anything meaningful to offer. I don’t make an impact to people or the world; they can easily live without me. My accomplishments don’t feel like they amount to much if anything at all.”
This year was different because my life and me as a person has changed. I started and still continue to transform and evolve into a different version of myself.
I started the year selling my house and moving to an apartment that I absolutely love. I know you would have thought it was amazing with the 20 foot ceilings, loft, 2 balconies which both have views of the entire strip, behind a nice shopping area that I can walk around conveniently located in a beautiful and safe city. While I hate that I can never have you physically visit and stay with me in Vegas, I love having some of your pieces from your SF downtown studio in my apartment adding your touch of awesome into my home. It is so amazing to finally feel at home. I know, you know, how huge that is for me since I never truly felt that in all the places I’ve lived my entire life.
I came to the end of the year with a huge accomplishment. I like to believe that you are looking down at me, proud that I pursued a passion, and got two of my short stories published just days before my birthday. Especially considering these were pieces that I wrote as a test to see if I am any good at writing fiction. I hear you in my head telling me that I need to write more and put more time and effort into it. I promise I will!
Another huge factor that shifted my perspective, thought processes and feelings is the fact that I finally understand what you had found with the love of your life. I think I found it for myself after all these years. I know you probably understand perfectly when I tell you that we have this deep connection that I can’t really put into words. Simply put, he makes me genuinely happy making me smile and laugh all the time, feeling so loved, understood and taken care of like I never have before. How I so desperately wish I could have you two meet and hang out in person. Oh and by the way, he is 10 year younger than me! Would you crack a cougar joke while giving me a high five, I wonder? Haha, I so miss your sense of humor.
I couldn’t help but think how life was so unfair to you because you were taken away so soon after meeting your ONE. You barely got a chance to date and never got the chance to be engaged, married and have a family, which is really a shame since you would have been the only one to give mom and dad grandkids. This is where the guilt came in that caused me to break down on your birthday because it is finally having a place I truly feel at home, feeling proud of my accomplishment of publishing my stories and finding my ONE that prevented me from wishing it was me, instead of you, who died 6 years ago. I am trying to live my best life and for the first time, feel like I am succeeding!
I know I have you, and as crazy as this feels to say, even your death, to thank for everything that I am loving in my life today. Without your words to me during your life, being forced to navigate your death and life without you, being constantly reminded that no day is guaranteed so I really should make the most of every single day, plus your guiding angelic support after death, I would not be where I am today. So thank you, Kid, for helping to bring me to where I am today.
I wish I could have celebrated your birthday in person as I had always tried to do when you were alive. I wish I could have had you come visit me in my apartment, have you get to know Victor and see what you thought of my published stories. I can only now wish you a Happy heavenly birthday and tell you that I love and miss you so very much! Come visit me in my dreams soon my dearest brother, I miss our celestial conversations and seeing you as if you are in the flesh. I love you, kid!
GGibberish 