In January of 2022, I had a dream of my younger brother, who passed away back in November of 2015. The morning I woke from that dream, I was emotional, but immediately had to write not only what I remembered of the dream, but my subsequent thoughts and feelings about it because the message felt so crucial and important. I haven’t returned to review what I wrote until now, 7 months later because I hadn’t previously felt emotionally ready to come back to it. Aside from this introductory paragraph, I mostly made minor edits to what I originally wrote that day, fixing misspellings, run on sentences and cleaning up duplicated or unclear thoughts. I did add a few sentences here and there to further clarify some thoughts as well. I do find it interesting that I came back to it at this time because of what I had written in my very last paragraph, which I feel is exactly the message I needed to remind myself of.
I don’t remember how the dream started. I oddly felt the presence of one of my cousins and my sister there, but did not actually see them. It was almost as if their unconscious dream selves were also in the same dream that I was. I never did ask them if they happened to have dreamt of him also. In the dream, my brother was wearing a white graphic t-shirt and I noticed that he was younger than his age of 35 when he passed away. He still had a bit of clumsy dorkiness to his posture as he did when he was a teenager, when he was still trying to come into his full height. He was wearing an older pair of wire framed glasses that only reinforced his awkwardness.
The first thing I recall is talking to my brother, but not the actual words of the conversation. For whatever reason, I was under the impression we were talking about his relationship and my current one. I really wish I knew what we were discussing and what he had to say about my relationship, but unfortunately I didn’t. The conversation then shifted. While the exact words said escape me, the message my brother was conveying to me in my dream was that my human brain would not comprehend what he was about to tell me. He then said he made the choice not to continue living and that he had no regrets of that choice. He assured me that he is happy where he is now and with what he is doing. Interestingly enough, I didn’t have a reaction to his statement. It was as if my brain did not even process the gravity of his words at all. I had no thoughts or emotions related to his statement at that time in the dream.
Instead, I simply stepped forward and wrapped my arms around him and told him that he needs to come see me more often. I don’t know if he said something or if I just intuitively and psychically knew he has hesitated to come more often because he knows how affected I am upon waking. He didn’t like seeing me waking up crying, or worse yet, bawling uncontrollably for awhile and being in an emotional state for the rest of the day. My response to him was that it is totally worth it for me to be able to see and talk to him in my dreams and that I would happily deal with the sadness, grief and crying more often if it meant that I had more time with him in my dreams. Then the next thing I said to him, which I oddly recall with clarity, was that I wish he’d wear his other glasses next time he came see me. I told him that he was so much more handsome in those glasses. As I laid my head against his chest, I felt him chuckle. That was the end of the dream or at least what I remembered of it.
Does my human brain truly comprehend what my brother meant when he said ultimately it was his choice to not continue living. No, I don’t. But I do remember the feeling of him conveying being truly happy with the choices he made and where he is now. It was as if he allowed me to feel the peace, happiness and joy that his own soul feels. That he has no regrets and enjoyed all that he had while he was on earth and was fine with not wanting more – more time, experiences, etc.
It still amazes me how solid and real it feels in my dreams with him. From the sound of his voice, the features of his face and most of all, how his body feels when I get to hug him. The dreams of my brother are vivid but also hazy in a cloudlike way. The environment we were in was a white space, nothing distinguishing, not even sure if there were walls of a room around us. It was as if there were clouds of fog at our feet, making me feel like I’m in heaven, at least the way I picture heaven to be.
Now I’ve had many vivid dreams where everything feels and appears so real that I am not aware that I am dreaming. But when I dream of my brother, I know that it is not reality, but I am also not aware that I am in a dream. Usually when I realize I am dreaming, I immediately wake up from it. In the past few dreams with him, I seem to be in an in between state of knowing it is not real life, but not aware that I’m dreaming either. It is as if my conscious is protecting me from that blatant fact so that I don’t immediately wake up. Whatever it is, I very much appreciate it because I feel I’m being gifted more time to be with and talk to my brother.
I can’t help but sometimes wonder if my brother’s spirit really does come to me in my dreams. Or if my subconscious/brain/imagination is making it all up to help me process subconscious thoughts related to his death and trying to deal with my grief so I don’t go crazy and have a mental breakdown during my waking hours. I know none of this can be proven either way and wouldn’t be surprised if it is both at the same time.
Do I think my brother’s spirit comes to me in my dreams to give me messages? Yes. I only wish I could recall the details and conversations with a photographic memory. More often than not I feel the really important conversations I’ve had with him completely escape my memory upon waking. I do hope my unconscious still has it and at least at that level it is somehow being a benefit to me still. Do I believe my brain creates these dreams to deal with the subconscious thoughts and emotions that I am consciously keeping buried? Also, yes. I know I have more work to do when it comes to my grief. I repressed a lot of it and know I still hold it in too. Do I think my brother’s soul lives on in heaven? Yes. Is he doing God’s work now, a spirit guide of sorts for those of us still on Earth in living physical human bodies? I like to think he is.
Or are my dreams a fragment of my imagination, trying to keep his memory alive because there are more days than not that I struggle trying to recall the minute details of features of his face? Maybe, that could be a factor also. I’m sometimes unable to remember the sound of his voice. I can’t remember how he used to smell, like when he would get out of the shower of his place or what cologne he used. But I do remember how his apartment smelled because of that glade plug in he used. I also remember how stinky his feet, socks and shoes would get. My favorite memory of him is how it felt to receive giant big bear hugs from him. People don’t really hug that deeply in my experience, which is kind of sad to me. He would squeeze me so tight with his muscular arms that I would really struggle to breath, but I loved and always looked forward to getting those from him. The way I’d describe my brother’s hugs are as if that hug was the last one we ever would share. He would hold on to me and seem like he didn’t want to let go. His hugs were so emotionally open, filled with love, deep, strong and without a doubt genuine.
I wish more people hugged like that. I would return the squeeze with everything I got, hoping to cut off that person’s air circulation too, just so they would know exactly how much I love them and appreciate having them in my life. Because there will come a day when one of us will no longer exist on this earth and the one who is remaining will forever remember the last interaction we had. There will be no second chance for that last hug, wishing it was tighter, longer, or more expressive of how much we mean to each other and there will be no other opportunity to say something that was left unsaid either. I guess unless you dream of them like I did and believe you are actually connecting with and talking to their spirit on the other side.
Was that dream a real conversation with the spirit of my brother? Who knows, I can’t prove it either way, but I can hope and believe that if there is life after death, that he is truly at peace. It is all i can do, but believe that is actually the case. Of course there is a turmoil of emotions within in trying to comprehend that it was his choice to die, his choice to end his life, his choice to not fight and to live. There is anger, resentment, my own selfishness of wishing he chose differently, chose to stay for all of us who loved him, but what good is it to wallow in those negative emotions, especially if he is truly at peace and happy in whatever afterlife he is experiencing now? Is that why he allowed me to feel exactly what he felt? I’m sure it is. To help me accept and move on – a message that I have been hearing regularly now through a variety of other ways. But exactly how do I move on? I’m not quite sure and still trying to figure it out, because when these dreams do come, the emotion of loss is often times very overwhelming. Dealing with grief is no stranger to me. They circle back when something happens in life that makes me feel it, or when I actually allow it, or when I dream of him. And I deal with them as best as I can, sometimes better, sometimes not. But that is life, is it not?
Ultimately, I know he wants me to move on by pursuing my passion and making that impact on the world that I am meant to. While I still am unsure what that is, I know I am taking the right steps to getting there. The silver lining is knowing I have his supernatural help and support from beyond as my own personal spirit guide and guardian angel. I’ve got that extra luck on my side to achieve it and maybe even something better. I only hope to do him proud by achieving my greatest potential before my time comes to an end on this earth.
GGibberish 