WOTW: 2. Truth

The second chapter of the “Word of the Week” book, titled “Truth” is THE CHAPTER that drove me to start this blog series. Some of the guidance provided to think about one’s own truth resulted in answers I didn’t necessarily want to or feel comfortable admitting to myself. That was a clear indicator to me that this internal area needs focus. I’m sure most would agree that facing one’s own truth is not easy. My natural instinct is to push down my emotions, hide my thoughts and bite my tongue from saying what I really think or feel. So it is very hard for me to admit my truth and even more difficult to do it in this specific way – writing it out knowing that this is going to be published for the public to read. However, this is something that I need to do as part of my shadow work because if I continue to avoid my truth, I can’t heal and grow from it.

On the first page of the chapter it says, “We love vulnerability in others, but we are scared to death of it in ourselves.” I wholeheartedly agree with this. I am drawn to those who express their vulnerability through their own truths, but I myself have been stubbornly closed off, not revealing my own truth and even sometimes avoiding, acknowledging or admitting it within myself. I evade situations that put me in vulnerable situations with others because I fear disapproval, denial, dismissal or disgust, embarrassment, ridicule, etc. That self-realization did not make me feel good and I shamefully felt like a contradiction knowing that I admire people being open revealing their truth, but I don’t act in the same way.

Here is a quote from the book: “It’s when you deny the truth to yourself or to the world that things begin to go haywire.” Now, I don’t know if I’d say my life has gone haywire per say, but there is a whole lot left to be desired and improved upon. Taking this one step further, I asked myself a few more questions that came to mind with this: Can I say that I am happy with myself and the life I am living? If I died tomorrow, how will I feel about living my truth while I was alive? Would I regret my life because I was not being and living my truth? The answers I came up with did not make me feel good. That led me to two other important questions: How do I find my truth? Because I think I hold it so far deep that some may actually be hidden from my conscious self. And How do I embody and begin living my truth? As I keep reading, the answers began to form, thanks to the prompts provided. It lists several fill in the blank sentences to ponder, some of which I will share now.

The first one I will share is “If money weren’t an object, I would _________.” Here are some of the answers I came up with:

• Quit my job so I have more time to do all the things I love!
• Buy a home in the neighborhood that I’ve been wanting to live in, while looking for a plot of land to buy so that I can build a custom home that takes Feng Shui into account for the most auspicious energy I can get!
• Buy vacation home in Maui and New York City.
• Go to Best Friend’s Animal Sanctuary, in Kanab, Utah for a week once a quarter so that I can volunteer and help animals in need while filling my heart with love and affection from all the animals I interact with.
• Buy a private jet so I could travel where ever and when ever I want, bringing friends and family with me to enjoy the experiences.
• Hire a private chef to cook me healthy meals half the week. I wouldn’t hire full time because I do enjoy cooking and would still want to do it.
• Hire a cleaner to clean my home at least a couple times a week, including doing dishes and laundry
• Hire my own personal assistant.
• Buy a bed and breakfast and decorate each room with a special theme and hire a manager and a chef to deal with all the day to day logistics.
• Own a spa that has multiple saunas like a Korean spa plus infrared saunas, but also has other holistic and spiritual services available like chiropractic care, acupuncture, energy healing, tarot and psychic readings, etc. Once again hiring a manager and staff for that.

The next one is: “I have time for ______.” I didn’t come up with as long a list as the previous and found it a little difficult to think of activities I love but feel guilty doing, but here is what I have:

• Taking naps whenever I feel tired
• Binge watching romantic comedies, Christmas feel good movies or random tv series
• Reading fiction
• Indulging in self-care activities from massage, body treatments, facials, and nail care
• Lounging somewhere comfortable and not doing anything but stare off into space getting lost in my own thoughts

The next one is a significant one: “I am worthy of my desire to ______.” The author encourages the reader to give themselves permission to pursue greatness and think big. One of my issues is not believing that I am worthy in general, so I struggle with accepting the specific answers I came up with.

• My generic answer is: Be my true, authentic, genuine, sometimes dark and twisted and unapologetic self.
• More specific answers include:
  • be a multi-millionaire solely through my passions and fulfilling my purpose in life
  • own a multi-million dollar home in an exclusive gated community
  • own multiple multi-million dollar vacation homes around the world
  • travel the world in a private jet, staying in first class accommodations and doing once in a lifetime excursions that most people don’t have access to
  • eat and buy whatever I want
  • say whatever I want without fear

Another prompt is: “This year, I will ______.” with the guidance to be creative, audacious, and bold because, and I quote “The Universe loves boldness and truth-telling.”

• Finish the story I had started to write in April of this year that I have not touched since
• Announce confidently that I am a certified feng shui consultant to the public
• Be open, bold and courageous with telling my truth through my blog about my spiritual journey
• Take actions towards my passions
• Change my negative mindset and self talk to the positive
• Put myself first
• Be honest to myself about what I want and don’t want

Lastly, the one question that I answered with an unwavering “YES” reads: “Do you stop yourself from adding to the conversation out of fear of sounding stupid or unworthy?” As I mentioned previously, I am conflicted with feelings of unworthiness, which is based on the premise that I am not good enough. I fear that my thoughts, perspective, and opinion is not smart, educated, intelligent, thoughtful or not good enough to be said out loud.

The first time I felt stupid for something I said was in 2nd grade. This is a story that I don’t recall sharing with anyone else before. I think I kept it in because even to this day I realize that I still carry that embarrassment and shame I felt so many decades ago. I went to catholic school that year and the teacher asked the class why the alter boy (back then only boys were allowed in that role) rings a bell when the priest holds up the host (also known as the bread or eucharist). This is also done with the cup of wine. I raised my hand to answer because I distinctly remembered when I had asked my mom during mass not to long before that, right when the bell was rung, what the bell was for. My mom’s response, which I told the teacher when I was called on was, “It is to tell you to keep still and stop moving around!” The class erupted in laughter and it was at that exact moment, that I realized my mom utilized my inquisitive question to simply get me to behave during mass, and I was mortified! I was mortified because I did not question my mom’s response. I took it as a valid answer because all the traditions of catholic mass seemed strange to me then, with no rhyme or reason as to why things are done the way they were. As the class was laughing, I my body literally sank down into my chair. I tucked my chin and bowed my head looking at my hands wringing in my lap, making myself as small as possible, wishing I could disappear and saying to myself, “I am so stupid, I didn’t realize that was not a real answer!” I was so distraught over the incident, that I didn’t pay attention to class for the rest of the day and never heard the real reason for the bell.

In fact, all my life, I never knew why. I held that embarrassing moment in me all these years and have let it affect me so negatively that I never could bring myself to find out the real answer. That is, until now, as I am writing about this story, when I finally forced myself to look it up. For all the non-Catholics who want to know the reason for the bell, it is to draw attention to the precise moment when “transubstantiation” takes place, that is the conversion of the bread and wine into the body and blood of Christ.

What is important to note is when I had gone to mass after that and whenever the bell is rung, I would find myself physically cringing, pulling my body tighter into a ball, making myself smaller as that memory would resurface. Going to mass and hearing the bell sadly became a reminder to me of how stupid I was. On top of that, I found myself doing the same thing in school, never ever wanting to raise my hand to answer a teacher’s question. When I was painfully aware that I didn’t know the answer to a question, it was not uncommon for me to physically react and put myself into that same retracted posture as I did that day in the second grade. What’s even worse is that I have stopped myself from answering questions posed in group settings well beyond my school days throughout my adulthood, whether I’m in a training course or even a meeting at work because I fear that I will have a stupid answer that I won’t realize is stupid until after it has left my mouth. My default is to usually only say something when called on!

Taking the time to think about this as an adult, now, makes me sad for my child self and even my adult self. I know that those very few minutes of my childhood had such a big impact on me as I allowed it to destroy my confidence and hold myself back from speaking up in so many situations throughout my entire life. I can’t help but wonder how my education and even career would be if I didn’t allow it to affect me that way. But even more so, I question: Now that I have revealed this truth, one of the first significant moments in my childhood, that built my foundation of not believing I’m good enough, which leads to feelings of unworthiness, what do I need to do to overcome this negative memory and heal that so I can begin my journey to feeling that I am good enough and worthy? That is something I will have to continue to ponder and deal with as I continue my shadow work.