WOTW: 7. EMOTION

The WOTW Chapter 7, titled Emotion starts off by describing physical reactions to emotion: “Our shoulders tense up, our eyes well up, our stomachs turn in knots, our throats tighten, our fists clench, our hearts pound…”

In my WOTW: 5. Purpose post, I talked about wanting to let go of the grudges I have for people who are no longer even present in my life because I feel the uncomfortable physical effects of my emotions when I think about certain people, such as an upset stomach, or my heart pounding in anger or my throat clamping tight with resentment. So today, I’m going to write about one of those people, a former friend who I feel physical reactions whenever I think of them, in hopes that I can begin to release my negativity through this process.

It started when a mutual friend, who this former friend was staying with, asked them to leave as they had overstayed their welcome. Since they no longer had a place to stay, my former friend then asked to crash with me for a short time. It was not long before issues came up. As they befriended some of my other friends, some of those people told me the person was saying negative things about me regularly. Since I am the non-confrontational type, I ignored it and didn’t say anything, hoping it would pass.

As we continued to live together, other problems arose. One issue I had was this person was they were being inconsiderate of the household by partying and coming home late, sleeping most of the day and not contributing to cleaning the house when this person was creating messes themselves. Another was I was very financially tight and they were not contributing to any rent or bills and only very occasionally with food when they could convince someone else to buy groceries.

The short time stay went on much longer and at one point I caught this person stealing cash from me. This person had no job or financial support from others so knew without any income that they would have no means to have any cash. They relied solely on other people to get them food or pay for social activities. When I discovered my money was missing, I had a suspicious feeling to check their wallet while they briefly stepped out and sure enough the exact cash amount I was missing was in there. Again, not being confrontational, I simply took the money back without a word.

The last straw was when this person asked me to give them a ride so they could meet up with other friends and I told them no because I got out of surgery that morning and was in pain, on medication, and in no state to drive. This person reacted negatively to my denial to help them by driving them and began calling into question what kind of friend I was. Being in a lot of pain and discomfort, my usually patient nature was nonexistent and I finally confronted them telling them to leave my house and to never contact me again because it was them who had not been a true friend for far too long.

As I recount this part of my past, I can feel the anger boiling inside me. I am furious that someone who is considered a good friend would do these things to me. But as I sit with all the emotions and dive into them further, I recognize that I am much more upset with myself because I didn’t stand up for me. I let this person do all of these things because I did not have the guts to confront them or say no. At any point I could have asked them to leave, tell them they were no longer welcome and stopped myself from feeling being taken advantage of. I did not respect myself enough to honor my own boundaries and allowed myself to feel victimized by them. I can’t blame this person for all these offenses against me with a clear conscience because I allowed it all to happen. I have myself to blame from that perspective.

While I don’t think I have fully released my emotions by simply airing my grievances here, I have had the insight to know that one important thing I will need to do to further my healing is to learn to forgive myself for allowing this to happen to me. I have a few other practices that I intend to try when it comes to releasing past resentments that I will share in future posts, including writing a Total Truth Letter and Ho’oponopono, as well as including it in my Full Moon Rituals moving forward until I feel I have completed let go of the negative feelings surrounding this person.

The next quote from this chapter that I’d like to touch on is: “We reveal… Our vulnerability… When we… Express our emotion.” This blog has become the platform in which I reveal my vulnerability to anyone who is willing to read it (or listen to the podcast version of my posts). I’ve been posting consistently for over a month now and I will admit that the posts that involve expressing my emotions, mostly within these WOTW series, is a big challenge for me. It goes against my inner voice that wants to keep all these feelings and private thoughts deep down, not exposing them to the general public. Yet I force myself to do so because I am called to. It has gotten to the point that I feel physical discomfort if I do not get a chance to write and release whatever random thoughts and emotions that may be swimming in my mind. I suppose that feeling stems from another part of me that is screaming to be heard, seen, acknowledged and even validated. Whatever it is, it is not something that I can or want to ignore, so I continue to write and express not only my emotions but my thoughts as well.

Then this chapter took a turn I didn’t expect by stating: “To stand strongly…you need to activate… Your heart center. Warm your body. Prepare a bubble bath…” I initially struggled to connect the dots with how bubble baths is associated to emotion, even as someone who has always loved taking bubble baths. But since I have recently been seeking out opportunities to do staycations for the sole reason of being able to take a luxurious bubble bath and did just that the other week, I realize exactly why this was included in the chapter! It was incredible what a different state I brought myself mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally after only half an hour of sitting in a deep tub filled with hot water, bath salts and bubbles. The change was so profound that it made me want to make a concerted effort to do this for myself every month if possible! While it may not do anything for solving problems at hand, it really did wonders for my emotional state and for that reason alone, I would highly recommend this practice to everyone if they are feeling stressed or down.

The rest of the chapter mentioned other random things that I wouldn’t initially think would be related to emotion such as eating green, core strengthening, doing cardio and yoga, tapping into creativity through dance and song. It even mentions buying lingerie “…to symbolize your birthright to feel sexy, beautiful… And worthy of your desires.” I am under the impression that like the bubble bath recommendation, each of the other suggestions listed here may have a similar effect of uplifting emotions.

I can’t say that I personally have experienced more positive emotions from eating green, core strengthening, cardio or yoga. These are all things that I have begrudgingly done many times. I can only postulate I somehow haven’t figured out how to enjoy healthy and physical activity like others have where it affects them beyond the physical. I’ve eaten vegan for a week a couple times and while I enjoyed how my elimination bathroom habits felt better, I didn’t notice any real difference with my emotions aside from frustration of missing the taste and texture of real seafood and meat. Don’t get me wrong, there are some great meat and shrimp substitutions out there, a couple that would have me fooled, but the satisfaction of gnawing on a bone-in ribeye is satisfying in a way like no other!

As another example I don’t think I’ve ever experienced a runner’s high, what people claim they feel from running. I’ve run many miles throughout my life and have always hated the feeling of my lungs burning, legs feeling like lead, getting all gross and sweaty and feeling tired, exhausted and drained after the run is done. I can’t recall a time I’ve ever felt good after a run even when doing a race and crossing the finish line. The runs I have been forcing myself to do the past several weekends has often resulted in me going back to bed and napping for 2-3 hours and being irritated that I wasted more of my weekend sleeping instead of being more productive. I guess there is one positive emotion I feel after those activities and that is being happy when I have come to the end and don’t have to do it anymore, until the next time I force myself to do it simply because I know it’s good for me health wise.