Today marks 7 years since my brother passed away and it does not seem like so much time has passed. How have I lived so many years without him? It feels unreal. On certain days, such as my birthday (the last time I spoke to him when he was alive), his death anniversary (exactly one week after my birthday), his own birthday (exactly one month after his death), or Thanksgiving (the holiday of all holidays that we shared the most fun times together), the pain can still feel as overwhelming as it did back then. Or it can hit me on a random day, when I had a dream of him or for whatever reason have something I’d kill to talk to him about and get his advice on.
I hate the saying that “Time heals all wounds.” because it doesn’t. That quote should be changed to “Time heals most wounds.” I can’t imagine that on November 13, 2062, if I’m still alive, that my heart won’t hurt just as much as it does today from losing my brother and living a long lifetime without him. When I think of all the pain I feel, I can’t also help but think of how lucky I am that I only have to deal with one loss in my life thus far. I know many people who have lost both parents, siblings, their husbands, their own children, their cousins or friends, the lists go on and on and these people have to deal with the grief of numerous loved ones. I don’t know how they continue living life. The death of my brother left me wishing for my own non-existence to happen already. I didn’t want to go on living and there are days, even now, that I still question why it couldn’t have been me instead of him. He had so much to offer the world and I don’t feel the same about myself.
If you had already read or listened to one of my previous posts, Eulogy Prep Is So Hard, then you will know that I have started the exercise to write my own eulogy as part of my spiritual journey because it is considered a life-changing exercise to plan your own life starting with the end, your own death, in mind. Since writing your own eulogy is supposed to be the first step in helping you achieve a life well lived, I am forcing myself to do it, despite procrastinating about 20 years and counting so far! I really don’t know what will come of completing that exercise, but I know I should do it, especially since it is probably one of the most uncomfortable things for me to do thus far with all my inner shadow work. I missed my own goal of publishing my own eulogy by my birthday last week and pushed that deadline to be my brother’s birthday instead (December 13) giving me one more month to work on it.
Anyone who has lost someone significant understands that feeling of life being so fleeting, that fear of knowing any day can be your last. I don’t want to end this life of mine feeling as if I didn’t accomplish a single major thing. That I wasted my life and didn’t make some sort of notable difference in anyone’s life, my community or the world. That the world would be no different without me in it. That I didn’t leave something significant in this world that will exist after I am gone. That I didn’t matter at all. That I didn’t do good enough with making something of my life to do anything meaningful with it.
If you’ve read or listened to my From GGibberish to Purpose post, some of my Word of the Week or posts about my Brother & Grief, you know that I am trying to turn my negative thinking, myself and my life around so that I can find my purpose in life, one that does have a beneficial effect outside of me. Back when my brother died, I would cringe when I heard or read on a card or message, someone telling me that my brother would want me to live my life to the fullest, that he would want me to move on, be happy and make my dreams a reality in this lifetime. I even had someone who could speak to the spirits on the other side tell me that my brother was saying that to me directly, and in a way that actually sounded like how he would say it himself. It was something like, “Come on already, I know you miss me, but get on with it already!” meaning get on with my life and do and achieve something great with it, something that I really want to do because I’m passionate about it.
Well, kid, this next little part is for you, “Here I am 7 years after your death, at least doing one thing that I’m passionate about consistently. This blog post, obviously dedicated to you, is my 75th post of the year and I am on track of reaching the goal I set for myself with 36 posts left to go after this one is published. I don’t think it is coincidence that the number I’m left to write and publish is the age you would have been if you lived one more month longer. Whenever I see the number 36, I think of you and how you didn’t get a chance to see that birthday, that age and how young you were when you died. I know that you have been supporting me through this recent journey from the other side. Every once in a while it is as if I can hear you speaking in my head, urging me on to continue writing and to share it all through my blog. I still remember when we had the discussion about me starting a blog, but back then it was on a totally different topic, shopping. Look at me now…blogging about something I never would have every thought I’d discuss, much less publicly. Were you there when my boyfriend told me just over a year ago, that maybe I should write about spirituality, and I scoffed at the idea remarking I had no knowledge on the subject and couldn’t see me writing about that topic at all? I feel you urging me on to start my second blog/podcast about my fiction writing and don’t worry, I will do it just as soon as I publish my 111th blog of the 2022 year! I feel your divine guidance and I am eternally thankful for the directional help you are giving me from the other realm. I only wish I could have an actual conversation with you about all of this like we used to when you were alive. Please come visit me in my dreams again soon…”
What follows is the eulogy I had written for my brother’s funeral that I never read out during the actual event because I couldn’t bring myself to speak these words, knowing that I would never get past the first sentence without becoming a completely incoherent blubbering mess. I did print this out and left it on a table in the restaurant that we had the reception in so that if people happened to see it, they could read it for themselves. I don’t know how many people read it that day, but today on his death anniversary, I want to formally share what I had written years ago. I have never re-read this myself since his funeral and is the first day in almost 7 years that I am reading this now. I made a point to not edit any of it and left it exactly as I had written it years ago. I hope today, for anyone who has ever known my brother, that behind the pain and tears, that you can smile as I am to feel so blessed to have such an amazing person in our lives, even though he was taken far too soon away from us.
My “Kid” brother died on Friday the 13th (November 2015), exactly one week after my 39th birthday and exactly one month before his 36th birthday. He was one of the healthiest people I know, so to say this is a shock is an understatement and trying to make sense of it all is proving to be impossible. Words cannot express the deep heartbreak and devastation this traumatic event has left me with. There are moments I honestly wonder how I will recover from this. I never got a chance to tell him this, but he was my rock in my life. I’m sure he knew this at some level while he was alive, and I take comfort that I know he knows it now, but how does one proceed with life when their rock is pulled out from under them? No one could ever replace his role in my life, but I can’t help but wonder, who will I go to now when I need that grounding, that sensible-no-bullshit-straight-to-the-point point of view that is usually delivered to me with his very unique sense of humor making me laugh even when fully engrossed in my negative emotions. He always had a different perspective to come up with the right solution for me. He was my younger brother, but HE TOOK CARE OF ME, in every way possible and I looked up to him for that and for so many other reasons – including his height! (I always wondered how he got so tall and how I got jipped in the height department!) So many have said they are who they are today because of him and that is absolutely the case with me.
There are so many things I could say about my brother, I could probably write a whole book, but here are a few things that come to mind now. When we were kids, we pretty much fought regularly; I remember feeling so irritated by him for one reason or another. But the two main things I remembered that annoyed the crap out of me about him was how much his feet stunk (it really smelled so bad!) and how he was always runny nosed and pressing his thumb on his nose wiggling it as he was sniffling up his mucus. It drove me crazy how he wouldn’t just blow his nose in a tissue! He had bad allergies so it seemed like he was constantly doing that. As teenagers, I hated him as siblings typically do cuz he was allowed to go out, hang out with his friends, and basically do what I wasn’t allowed to do as the youngest daughter and he was the baby boy who could get away with most everything and anything with my parents. But, ultimately, I was glad that he wasn’t as sheltered as my sister and I were as I knew that was the basis of how he became the man he was. Even in his young age, he enjoyed life and was happy. He was a happy kid and teenager for sure. It wasn’t until we were young adults that we finally came together as I guess most siblings do. And in the past several years, I had really grown so very close to my brother. We finally got to that point in our relationship where we could go to each other for the issues that plagued us that we couldn’t or didn’t really want to speak to anyone else in our lives about. Those closest to him know my brother wasn’t one to open up, especially about his feelings and emotions, but there were rare moments I can think of where he was able to do that with me. For that I am truly thankful.
I always envied my brother because he knew what his passions in life were and was able to find a career in that while fully utilizing his innate talents and skills. Because he was able to blend it all, he was awesome at what he did – and he knew it too! Man, my brother was cocky – he knew he was awesome and he had every right to because he really was awesome! I always thought of him as the coolest engineer, because he had this incredulous social personality that one wouldn’t typically expect from an engineer.
It is mainly because of my brother I’m so into technology and electronic gadgets. He is the one who taught me how to research what the best of the best was for anything, electronics, car stuff, etc. It is with his guidance I learned how to listen and appreciate music, especially instrumentals in the background that most people would typically miss. When people see my car trunk is loaded with two amps and a sub, and my impressive surround sound system at home I will let them know it is because of him. With all his previous companies he worked for, he would always hook me up with the coolest “toys”. It always felt like the Christmas when he’d give me his hand me downs because he got the better or latest model for himself. He introduced me to the coolest products I didn’t know even existed. He is the reason I’ve been recently attending the CES the Consumer Electronic Show in Vegas every year. We’d always try to meet there even if only for a few minutes at that event because he was always so crazy busy with meetings, just to swap stories of what cool stuff we’ve been able to check out at the show. We had recently talked about finally partying together in Vegas during the next show this coming January because this would be the first year he wouldn’t have a jam packed schedule. I am really going to miss meeting him there, having “geeky” talks with him about the latest toys and gadgets, as well as getting spoiled by him. Geez, now I’m gonna have to find the latest toys and buy them myself.
He also brought me back to the love of the 49ers recently. We always watched niners games as children with my dad, but I didn’t really keep it up much as an adult. The very first game I attended was the last game at the stick because my brother took me to that game. I was honored to tailgate with the G spot crew that night and it is a night I will always hold close to my heart. Since then, whenever I was in town and could make it, I was able to attend a few games at the new stadium. This season we jointly bought two seats and season passes. I am so glad I was able to attend the first game of the season with him earlier this year. I look forward to bringing his other passion to the rest of my family as we had only just recently discussed. I know he’ll be smiling above as he enjoys watching the games with us.
There are so many other things I could say about my brother. Words cannot express how AWESOME I thought he was and how much I loved him. He was taken away from me too soon, but I am thankful I had him for 36 years of my life. I am comforted knowing he is now watching my back and taking care of me from beyond. I love you Kid…
Lastly, a quick comment on the picture I selected for this post. Yesterday, I received a belated birthday gift from one of my favorite cousins. There was a necklace and two simple unassuming bracelets.
However, upon initial glance, I knew there had to be something special about this bracelet and as I continued to go through the remaining contents of the package I came across a little business card that instructed putting the bead directly touching the camera lens of a cell phone. I took one of the two bracelets and tried it out. I couldn’t help but exclaim out loud when this is what I saw. This is probably one of the most thoughtful gifts I have ever received and I absolutely love that I can physically have my brother with me anytime I want. Thank you to my amazing cousin for this priceless gift!
GGibberish 